Beware the Pod-Toddlers!

09Apr09

 

I know toddlers are young and can’t help it and I know their mothers love them and their fathers could probably recognize them in a small group, but toddlers freak me out.

People think toddlers are thinking real hard, or perhaps having a pooh when they get those blank, vacant expressions, but perhaps they are downloading orders from the mother ship!

Why? Their heads are too big and they have too little hair so they look like something that mutated after a nuclear attack. Their arms and legs are very bendy and that creeps me out too. It’s as though they have bones made of Gumby rubber to get out of tight places, as though designed for infiltration and field work.  Their limbs are smooth and chubby, rosy and innocent looking like a doll (scariest things on the planet next to clowns and toddlers).  Toddlers are oddly not proportional; their heads and eyes are overly large and their noses are barely a bump on their fat faces. Just like an alien!

What’s worse is their big eyes have the power to control humans, especially female humans. This control is set when the human utters the alien phrase that means “Activated. Awaiting orders.” It is pronounced “Awwww!” in a sing-songy voice. One of the first orders we are given is “Clean the poop off my butt!” And we DO it!

in kahoots!

When a toddler assumes an adult-like pose with their doll limbs this is when I know that they are pod-people in tiny human bodies. Perhaps planted by big-headed, small-limbed, big-eyed bendy aliens into unsuspecting farmer’s wives out for an innocent stroll amongst the cows late at night. Little do these mothers know they’ve birthed the spawn of spacemen!

Look, if I’m wrong and they are just cute, tiny humans trying to become fully formed humans then I’ll apologize for casting doubt upon their dimpled carapaces, but I don’t think I’m wrong. It’s more than their odd appearance.  It’s what they do. They watch us, study us, ape what they see us doing, as if studying our species up close and personal. When a toddler looks at you with that vacant stare I wonder what is going on in their busy brains. Are they considering the appeal of applesauce and animal crackers? Do they have to tinkle? Or are they actually plotting universal domination? Who are they really? And why are they among us?

 

When we aren't looking they are experimenting and reporting back to their own kind our feeble attempts at technology.

When we aren’t in the room, they laugh at our primitive ways. The traditional alien phrase for “I spit on you, backward, tiny-eyed, too-big,  foolish Ape-People!” is pronounced by putting your tongue between your lips and blowing air out making a farting sound. All toddlers make this sound. They are mocking us. This should be our battle cry! A call to end the tyranny of the toddlers! An end to cleaning off poopy toddler bums! Who’s with me? Let’s hear it! ppppppfffffff!

They are growing stronger every day!

 

It is their squat toddler goal to rule the world. We must organize against them, before it’s too late. Once they become adult human sized, there will be no end to their powers of destruction. They could be sent down to rule us!  When they are fully formed, you and I will be old and they will be in charge of where and how we live. We think of them as “Rest Homes” but perhaps they are alien organ farms. Perhaps our innards are considered a delicacy on their home planet and they are here to manage the harvest? Oh, the horror! To end up as alien take-out!

 

It's mine! All mine! Nothing will stop me now! Muuuaaaw-haaa-haaaa!

I think their goal is to rule the world, for indeed aren’t there toddlers in every nation? They use their building blocks to plan landing strips for the invasion, their Tinker toys to engineer new ships for the fleet.  How many of them sleep in rooms with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling? Parents may say that it was they who decorated the toddler’s room that way, but it was the overly large eyes in the overly large heads that compelled the parents to do so.

But this blog reaches tens of people, we could spread the word. It may not be too late…ppppppfffffff! my fellow humans! I say again… ppppppfffffff! Together we can… oh noooooooo!!  Not him! Anyone but him!

He was…he was.. Oh, the horror!

Barack was one of them!

 ”Don’t take me to your leader, I will be your leader! Muuuaaaw-haaa-haaaa!”

 

There’s nothing left for me to say but ”Awwww!” and do you want fries with me?

 

 

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Tags: aliens, Barack Obama, Conspiracy theory, freak me out, Gumby, Humor, humour, implantation of babies, Mother Ship, Obama as a child, toddlers, UFOs