A woman in a bad mood? Oh-no!!!

09Jun09

 

I recently Twittered about being in a bad mood. That’s because I was in a bad mood. With me, what you see is what you get. Once someone very astute told me my best trait and my worst trait were the same. That I was always honest. Sometimes I’m in a happy mood, more often than or at least on par with my “bad” moods. What happened after my bad mood confession on Twitter was an unexpected deluge of mail in all forms. All of which said the same thing, “Stop it!”. Apparently a woman is not allowed to have a bad mood. Or so says the many women of my acquaintance. Interestingly, I got no mail from a man telling me to cheer up. Men get it. But then I’ve always been more attuned to men than women. I find men so easy, so free from subterfuge, so what you see is what you get. I like that about them. With women it’s a rocky road of rules that apparently they all learned in the 7th grade when I was off sick. Let’s look at the kinds of messages I got in response to my bad mood tweet.

 

I got quite a few orders.

• “Smile!”, 
• “Cheer up!”
• “Decide to be happy!”

Since when was happy our only emotion and our only choice? Is it all so black and white, good and evil, happy or not-happy? Women aren’t cardboard cut-outs of human beings with only the pretty smiley face showing and nothing else, or are we? It seems there is a great deal of resistance out there to my being a woman of diverse moods. So what does that say about the perhaps unspoken rules we women have regarding our own behaviour? I’ll bet you anything that each one of the people who wrote to me would deny having such latent Victorian notions as “Women must present a pleasing countenance to cheer up her hard-working man and be a cheerful and up-lifting presence to others.” and would say they simply wanted me to feel better. I’ve done it myself. It’s automatic. But why? Why should we appear to feel better if it isn’t what we feel?

What is so terrible about a woman in a bad mood?

People’s discontent is what drives society forward. Anger fuels change. “Negative” emotions engage us, purge us, inspire us and I think this is the kicker, make it uncomfortable for some to be around. Seeing another woman being cranky or complaining might shed light on how often some women swallow their own emotions, their harsh words, their complaints. It might make some women uneasy because they believe the Leave it to Beaver ideals of the happy woman (in pearls and high heels) or the beer commercials that showcase happy, happy people most of whom are ordinary men surrounded by happy, pretty, busty blondes. This is how people should be, these images tell us. This is how you know you are on the right track, if you are happy all the time. Here’s a dose of reality. NO ONE IS HAPPY ALL THE TIME. And that’s perfectly fine.  Let’s see what else people felt compelled to send me. 

I got music, one woman sent me a wonderful version of Michael Buble crooning “Feeling Good” which, while not an order to feel good, musically pointed out the advantages of  it. This was the most welcome of messages, by the way. I love that song!

I got scolded.   “Everyone has bad moods but they don’t take them out in public. We control ourselves.” We being women, I’m assuming. Bad Victorian housewife! Shame on you!

 

 

I got “coached” “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!” Uh, this wasn’t a prize fight. Just a bad mood. “Start all over?” Did I just get the “Go back to “Go” collect the $200″ card? “Don’t give up!” Apparently surrender is not an option.

I got quoted at. A great number of women relied on the words of others (of men mostly) which all conveyed the advantages to be had of shutting up and smiling when life “gets us down”. The don’t-rock-the-boat was a common theme. Be a cheerful woman, own your inner “glow”,  let a smile be your umbrella, don’t worry, be happy.

Not one person wrote to say “I hear you, honey!” or “Howl at the moon, darlin’ sometimes you gotta.”

 My tweet seems to have touched off a buried land-mine from a long ago war waged at women. In our past, and woefully sometimes in our present, women and children were expected to be no more than accessories in a man’s life. Pretty, delicate, fragile, stylish, happy, quiet dolls with coordinating outfits. Remnants of these attitudes still lurk in our society in etiquette,  mores and behaviour. When men express a “negative” mood people don’t rain down orders for them to “Feel better now or stay in your room.” When funny-man @badbanana on Twitter said “I’m beginning to think that my lack of wealth and power is holding me back”, people laughed, at least I know I did. I doubt anyone sent him instructions on how to “perk up” his mood like it was a pair of  breasts in a Playtex 18 hour bra. What I wrote that launched this avalanche of advice was “I’ve been in a barking lap-dog mood all day. When I connect with anyone I bare my teeth and yap at them. Must be the dog days of summer.” I don’t know if anyone laughed, but it sure seemed to hit a nerve.

My husband doesn’t have a problem with my having a variety of moods. When I’m in a barking lap-dog mood, he laughs and barks back, literally. We bark at each other. It’s cathartic. Confuses the neighbors since we don’t have dogs, but it airs out the mood.  He gives me a chance to vent all the things that are making me cranky and I do the same for him. We share all our moods. I think that makes ours healthier than a lot of marriages. I mean we’ve been married eighteen years and have yet to have a big fight or call each other names so that should tell you something. I know, it should make me happy, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Because sometimes you gotta.

 

 

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