Dear “Contact Us”,

These are actual e-mails which passed between me and a company I did business with in the past. The deep, dark, distant past. How important is it that a business has good customer service these days? You be the judge.

Message to Contact Us:

Hi,

You send two catalogs to me every time. Can you cancel one of them please?Let’s save a few trees and your company some money, ok?

Thanks!

Your regular customer,

Laurel Ennis

_________________________

Dear LaurelEnnis,

We have processed your request to add your name to our mailing list. You should receive a catalog in 2-3 weeks. Thank you.

__________________________

Hello,

Oops! My request was to REMOVE one of my names from your list, not to add a third! Please check to see that  1) I still get a catalog and 2) that I only get one. I’m trying to be green here. Ok?

Laurel Ennis

_________________________

Dear LaurelEnnis,

We aplogize for the error on the previous email. We have processed your request to remove your address from our mailing list. You may receive one more catalog because they are prepared in advance. Thereafter you won’t get any more catalogs from us. We apologize for the inconvenience. Thanks you.

___________________________

C’mon, is this a joke? I didn’t want to be removed from your mailing list, although it’s looking like a better and better idea as we go along. So, let’s try this again, shall we? Listen carefully:

1. I am on your mailing list twice, which means two times. That means I get two catalogs each time.

2. I am on your list as “Laurel Ennis” and also as “Mrs. Laurel Ennis”.

3. I wanted ONE of those names removed.

4. I still want to get one copy of your catalog.

Your annoyed customer,

Laurel Ennis

____________________________

Dear LaurelEnnis,

I am sorry for the confusion but it not possible to put you on our mailing list twice. It is our store policy.

Thanks you.

______________________________

Ok… Let’s try this again, shall we? Perhaps you have a supervisor who could help you? One that speaks English might be good. Show this to your supervisor please.

I am currently getting two catalogs every time. I’d like to cancel one of them to save on paper, printing costs, mailing costs and reduce waste. So please cancel either “Laurel Ennis” or “Mrs. Laurel Ennis” from your mailing list, ensuring that one still remains so I can still get your catalog.

A Frustrated Customer,

Laurel Ennis

_______________________________

Dear Laurel Ennis,

Thank you for writing to share your concerns with me. I am the Manager of the Customer Service Department. I understand your frustration. However privacy laws prevent me from letting  you remove Mrs. Laurel Ennis’ name from our mailing list. I would have to hear from her to do so. This is store policy as well as the law. It is in place to protect us all from identity theft.

If you have any other concerns about your own account, feel free to contact us again.

__________________________________

Seriously? Is there no one in that company who can think and e-mail at the same time? I AM both Laurel Ennis and Mrs. Laurel Ennis, you bonehead! That’s the whole problem. I was just trying to be responsible and do the right thing to save this fucking planet and instead I’ve entered into this playback loop from hell.

When this all started, I wanted to keep getting your catalog. I’ve changed my mind! Cancel me. All of my names “Laurel Ennis” AND “Mrs. Laurel Ennis”. I never want to hear from you again, on pain of death. I want exactly ZERO catalogs, letters or e-mails from you. I want your catalog to never darken my mail slot. I want no phone calls. I want no colourful flyers. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Rien! I am an ex-customer. I am a lapsed customer. A driven-away-by-braindead-moronic-incompetent,customer-service-department customer. I will chortle with glee when I read that your company has gone under and know  that it wasn’t the economy that brought it down, it was your Customer Service department. When I speak of your company, and I will, I will not be kind. You and I? We have nothing further to discuss. The bonds that tied us have been severed. I am your former customer! Do you understand that? We’re through!

No longer in any way, shape or form your customer,

Laurel Ennis a.k.a Mrs. Laurel Ennis

_________________________________

Dear Mr. LaurelEnnis,

Thank you for writing to us. We have added your name to our mailing list and you should get your catalog within a few weeks. I’ve looked into the matter and I cannot tell why you have been getting nothing from us. I’ve added it in as Laurel Ennis too, just to ensure that you get a copy. Thanks you.

__________________________________

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